Buyer Beware: You Are What You Wear

Illegal vendors, bootleggers, scamsters... whatever you decide to call them, they are an ever-increasing sight in our cities. Whether its on the sidewalk, in a dark ally or insomebody's basement; these hard working men and women provide a much needed service for all of us who think, "I want to look good... I just don’t want to pay a lot."

Unfortunately not everybody is willing to embrace this practice. Some, principally those losing money, tend to frown when they stumble upon a street corner to discover their entire fall collection displayed on an unraveled blanket. Now there are always going to be people stepping in to say "hey...", some will even say "hi", but the fact of the matter is that these bootleggers are merely trying to get a sliver of the delicious profit pie. And the harassment doesn’t stop with the million-dollar corporations, governments have something to say as well.

This morning Last week I was perusing the headlines, as I often do, when I came across something shocking: Court fines eBay over fake goods. Since you are reading this blog, I'm going to go ahead and assume you don't have time to bother with real news (did you know that there was a war going on?), so I’ll briefly summarize. According to France,apparently it's "unlawful" to sell near-identical goods at competitive prices, so eBay was successfully sued for 63 million dollars.

Now I understand why these companies would be upset over the sale of fraudulent merchandise, but this court case went much further as they claimed, "auctions involving their legitimate perfumes were illegal, because only specialist dealers were permitted to sell them." Now correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't this mean Tristan Dior retains ownership of the perfume after it has been legally purchased? Next thing you know, they are going to deploy their Sniffing Squad to punish you for over-application which gives non-payers too much free bliss from their heaven-scent fragrance. (zing)


But I digress…



Here we were having a great time re-enacting our favorite scenes of Top Gun with our GrayBan aviators when the Party Pooper Principality had to once again step in and oppress our freedom! Didn't they get the memo about the Freedom Fries? The only thing that Americans cherish more than conquest in the name of liberation is exercising our right to a great bargain! And if France is going to play hardball, we may as well outlaw flamboyant tennis shirts. We’ll see who’s snickering when we’re back to the dark ages of fashion. (I use "we" assuming I will have some part in this decision)

How do you think I afford to dress so well? You can’t possibly believe that I wear name brand clothing, that’s preposterous! I always choose Near-Name-Brand Brand ® ©, and I wear it with pride. I think that if someone goes to the effort to manufacture replica Doucci Bags and StreetLies Jeans (I am not getting sued for this), they deserve to sell them on the open market.

Or maybe the fakes are manufactured in Southeast Asia like the originals.(I don’t know. Do you really expect me to research this?) In this case your purchase will be supporting workers who earn the same low wages, if not lower, as the employees of the overpriced originals. It just doesn’t make any scents! (he does it again)

If you buy a lot of designer clothing in the first place, chances are you are overly concerned with the way you present yourself to others. (next week I’ll continue my series of psychological analyses with a profile of a mystery celebrity). Whatever "look" you choose to… accomplish? It requires careful selection of only the trendiest duds. We were all inspired when Paris Hilton proved once and for all that keeping up appearances CAN be a full time job! But staying up to date with fads can take a toll on both your bank account and your will to live.

I’ll concede that the craftsmanship of the knockoffs is certainly cheaper. However, since the definition of cool changes as quickly as it steps off of the catwalk, in a matter of days you wouldn ’t be caught dead wearing any resemblance neither fake nor real. By the time the inauthentic garment starts to unravel and come apart, it will have already been thrown in the Goodwill donation bin to provide impoverished families the opportunity to look cool in the off-chance the trend makes a future come back. (Value Village: Rated Best Selection of Neon Spandex since 1993)

Although I’ve given you more than enough already, I will end by bestowing upon you, my loyal readers, one final piece of advice on this issue which burns deep within my soul. (why else would I write an essay during summer break?) I understand that at first you may hesitate to embrace the new counterfeit culture which will undoubtedly arise as a result of this article. Since fashion is about color and design rather than labels and washing instructions it shouldn’t matter that you are wearing a fake. People who see the value of clothing over its expression have taken trivial materialism to a new level. If you are worried that you will be judged for choosing to save money, you should take a moment to reevaluate the choices and the friendships you’ve made which have marooned you in a sea of vapid voices.