If I Were a Super Hero...

Fans,

Before we can begin, I have an important announcement to make. After many hours of soul searching, I have finally discovered my true calling. From now on you can refer to me as Yan Kisen, Freelance Writer Extraordinaire. (that's extraordinary for non-Francophones)

That's right folks, you read it here first. I'm going to give YOU, the readers, the chance to have your fantasies become written-out realities. All you have to do is remain on this page, submit a topic that interests you and the Yanvestigators will dispatch their top researcher (me) to get the straight facts. The nitty gritty. I'm willing to get my hands dirty if it increases my page rank. Nothing is off limits!

Supplies are limited, so call now 1-900-STR-8FAX. (I worked with what they gave me)

And now, without further adieu...

I proudly bring you….

Mon chef d'oeuvre…

::::::The Feature Presentation::::::

Friday marks a tremendous event as Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight premiers in theaters nationwide. The buzz for this movie began over a year ago, and now with the opening mere days away, you can feel the electricity in the air. For some, the anticipation has been too much to handle. Crisis has broken out at an AMC Movie Theater in Nashua, New Hampshire as an unidentified man has locked himself in the projector's booth. Through a door thick enough to prevent a terrorist attack, the fan's muffled voice made requests. His demands are simple, "I didn't wait a year for this premier to eat concessions, okay? I AM going to I bring my own snacks." Police have entered their second day of negotiations with the crazed Batman enthusiast.

Even if I may not seem as fanatic as that man, I too have been swept by the spirit of Batmania. That is why I have chosen tonight to unveil my newest endeavor. I shall be joining Bruce Wayne in the dangerous game of super heroism. During the days people will know me as Yan Kisen, Freelance Writer Extraordinaire. But at night, I'm going to dawn my Midnight-Purple guise to roam the streets kicking the shit out of wrongdoers. Although I somewhat question the wisdom of revealing my alter-ego on a public forum, I have an obligation to fulfill for my audience. I’m prepared to deal with the consequences that arise if any super villains happen upon this page, because the world now knows the true identity of... Sarcasmo.

What makes me super? Well besides the obvious, I'm armed with a weak grasp of sarcasm.(subtlety!) When in need, there's nothing a person appreciates more than a classic case of smart-assery. Uncommon because of its rarity, when properly administered, sarcasm can act as a panacea to any situation!

Allow me to demonstrate…

Young Man: "Somebody help! This man is insisting that I join his church!"

Sarcasmo: "Don't worry young man, I'm here to set things straight."

Preacher: "Sir have you found the path to the higher grounds?"

Sarcasmo: "I must have. All of a sudden I feel the urge to jump off of a cliff."

Preacher: "We who share the faith, don't condone suicide. Perhaps you shall join us on Wednesday. We meet at the recreation center at 7 in the evening."

Sarcasmo: "That sounds much better than the strip club."

Preacher: "You know you don't have to be such an asshole. Just take a pamphlet."

Sarcasmo: "I’m pretty sure I do."

Young Man: "Gee thanks Sarcasmo, that was a close one!"

Sarcasmo: "Then why did I see it coming from a mile away?"

**All three characters erupt in hysterics**

I'm going to play myself in the film adaptation. It would be the only way to do justice to Sarcasmo's enigmatic persona.

Besides extraordinary powers, it is essential for every superhero to have a kick-ass superpad to drink beer and unwind after a long day of crime fighting. Although I am not yet a billionaire, I am getting pretty close. So, despite whatever frills the BatCave may boast, the SarChasm is going to have them all and even a couple neat tricks of its own.

For instance, the south-west catacombs are going to house the Archives; a super secret assembly of Sarcasmo's greatest one-liners. Ranging from the subtle, "I’m an expert in matters like these," to the in-your-face, "don't worry ma’am, of course I’ve delivered a baby before," this vast collection could bring about world destruction...if it were to fall into the wrong hands.

And so Sarcasmo roams the night, trying to clean the same streets that raised him. Nobody said crime fighting would be easy, but he never expected it to be this time consuming. (come on you crooks, enough is enough already)

Oh and by the way...

You’re welcome.